My Soul Bleeds

This poet & writer is one of my favorite bloggers. I enjoy reading his posts and thought you would enjoy a taste of his work as well!

ronovanwrites

My Soul Bleeds

These eyes see tragediesCover _Red
Falling lives in every direction
Hopes and dreams denied
Their pains added to my collection

Why do I feel so much
My chest expands to fill space
Anguish rips to shreds
Tears streak this pale face

I care too much
Wanting to be all things to all
Wishing for nothing
I teeter atop the heap knowing I will fall

The fall is inevitable
The mistakes come and I cannot save
My heart is worn through
My soul bleeds from the last joys rays

2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com

View original post

It’s Time.

where-does-the-time-go

 

It’s time.  Time to stop procrastinating.  Time to stop feeling sorry for myself.  Time to stop the excuses.  Time to finish what I started.

When my family and I relocated over a year and a half ago, I was only two semesters away from obtaining my Bachelors degree in Secondary English Education.  Aside from moving my son away from his educational program and uprooting him from his friends, that was the toughest thing for me to handle.  I was 38 years old and already going into the field late in life; this setback could really take a lot more time with transferring credits and different degree obligations.

As I suspected, it did not go well when I tried to pick up where I left off in my home state.  I did get accepted into a college in my new state, and most of my credits transferred, but financing was the road block that made me wait an additional year.  Because I was not in my new state for an entire year, I had to pay out-of-state tuition costs, which were monstrous.  As a result, I ended up having to wait out the year until I was considered a resident.

In that year, I decided to get a full-time job.  My job is fantastic!  I work in a charter school that teachers children with low-incidence disabilities, albeit in the school office, but still close to the action.  I can participate in some activities and learn a lot from the teachers and my co-workers here.  This job and its paycheck has afforded my family the opportunity to purchase a new home, and for that I am happy.  So, do I go back to school AND work my full-time job simultaneously?  Could I do it?  For a while, I thought no.

 

thumb

Have you ever had a goal or something so much a part of who you are that you simply had to accomplish it, or else you would not be who you were meant to be?  That is what teaching is to me.  I feel like this was a calling that I was to do a long time ago, and I allowed circumstances and influences guide me off my path early in life, and it continued as I got older.  When I finally went back to school in my home state, I felt alive and eager to learn and get achieve my goals.  This last setback almost derailed my want for all of it.

I have had some growing pain with my relocation, and still do.  But this summer, I hit a fork in the road;  either I make changes, or live a life of mediocrity.  Granted, I am absolutely happy with my job, house, husband, son and life.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about, not at all.  I am very blessed!  But this goal is MINE and is very personal.  It is who I am meant to be.  So, I chose to begin making the changes.

It is going to be difficult working full-time and attending school, but I am not the first, nor the last person to take this road.  I turn forty in April, and I want to be able to say that I am doing what I am supposed to, instead of being complacent.

 

its-time

It’s time for me.  Is it time for you?  What have you put on the back burner that you can make a reality?

Truth

dictionary-series-philosophy-truth

I was inspired to write about truth today by the post I reblogged this morning.  You can read it HERE.

In this blog post, one line stuck out to me:

The thing we have to remember about truth is that we will never have all of it.

We will never have ALL of it.  I suppose this is right in all facets of our lives, isn’t it?  Take a look around you, beginning with yourself.  Are YOU 100% truthful?  I would like to say that I am, however in some cases I guess you could say I am a liar by omission.  If I am asked, I will tell someone the truth, and if I am speaking, you can bet I am telling the truth.  If you ask me about me, or something personal, and I don’t trust you, you may receive lies by omission.  I am a straight-forward person who does not like to pull punches, and I like dealing with people like that in my life.  I think someone who is blunt and honest is more trustworthy to me.  Some may think that people like this are crass and difficult to take.  The truth IS difficult to take, right?  But even with these direct people, are they telling the truth 100% of the time?

We all know that we cannot trust the media 100% of the time.  Politicians, news casters, celebrities, businessmen, doctors, lawyers, etc. – they all cannot be trusted all of the time.  We spend a lot of energy teaching our children to grow up being honest people, but then turn around and tell them that those that they look up to are not trustworthy themselves.  It is a difficult paradigm.

untitled      If you are a lover and user of social media, you are very familiar with the lies and truths that are told on the internet.  Let me paint a picture for you:

You are scrolling Facebook one Sunday morning, sipping your coffee, laughing at posts from the night before, when all of a sudden you glance at a meme about a social issue you feel very strongly about.  You read it, and it is very much against your beliefs, and wonder who in the world would post such a thing?  You glance at whom this ridiculous post belongs to, and see that it is your best friend/brother/sister/father/mother.co-worker (insert other relation here).  You sit, dumbfounded, at what you are looking at.  Does he/she REALLY feel this way?  Well, he/she must if they posted it like that, right?  You shake your head and continue scrolling, with that post in the forefront of your mind.

It seems as though the internet, the biggest mask a person can wear, seems to give permission to people to be both their authentic selves, and people they wish to be as well.  What did you do when you realized that your (insert relation) was a racist/conservative/liberal/welfare recipient/pro-choice/pro-life (insert social label here)?  There is really not much you could do, is there?  Sometimes settling in with the truth about someone who is close to you is a challenge.  I have encountered this with a few people who I thought were so close and shared the same ideals as I did, only to find we were polar opposites.  In some cases, our relationship could not recover from these differences.  Was the truth a good thing to know in these cases?  In a couple, yes; in others, I still mourn the loss of those relationships.

Why is the keyboard and the internet such powerful things?  Why do those wearing disguises of who they really are, feel like they can unveil their personal truths online as opposed to living their truths loud and proud and being their authentic selves?  If those ideals are truly a part of them, why is it so difficult?  The internet is the largest audience one will ever have, and those words/memes/jokes cannot be taken back.  Why is it so easy then?

ibe6AQMdeJBU60

Truth is unreliable sometimes because of personal perceptions.  As the quote above states, no one is lying, it is ones understanding of the situation that drives their personal truths.  Remember a recent argument you had and how you recounted it to someone.  Your story is driven by your perceptions of the truth of the situation.  Did you hear the other person’s side of the same story?  They hold a very different account of what happened, didn’t they?  Hanging in the middle is the truth – a little bit of your story and a little but of their’s.  Too many times people get hung up on the details as they see them in a situation and they lack the vision to see the big picture.  That is what makes us individuals, right?  Our own ideals and views?   But it is when one becomes rigid and unbending in their ideals that conflict arises.  As long as we all remember that there is truth in it all, not every disagreement will be a big deal.

When I read that blog post and I read (and re-read) the line about not having the truth 100% of the time, I found it a difficult thing to read.  I will be forty years old soon, and the concept of deception and untruths still baffles me.  I believe the world would be a lot better if people were kind and truthful all the time.  But even as those works trail off my fingertips, I know that can be a destructive thing as well.  Truth, all of the time?  That could cause more fights, widespread panic across the world, riots and, less dramatic – hurt feelings.

Truth vs. lies.  Good vs. evil.  What is your take on that concept?  Are you your authentic self off-line?

Personal Ethical Statement

I loved this post! One line that struck me was, “The thing we have to remember about truth is that we will never have all of it. ”

Take the time to read this!

People Acting Like People

This is taken from an assignment in my ethics class.

I have six central principles that have guided how I live my life. I developed them over a period of 20 years and continue to improve them over time. They are as follows in no particular order:

Respect the change we cannot control.


All should be respected but not everything should be honored.


Having a choice is not a privilege but a responsibility.


Allow others to view the world through their own eyes.


Differences do not have to lead to conflict.


We are allowed to believe in ourselves.

I will simplify these principles into simple words for convenience; change, value, choice, truth, love, and identity.

I will try to explain these in further detail briefly. The three main ones are change, value, and choice. Change is a constant battle between letting things happen and making things happen. Should we respect…

View original post 1,078 more words

#30DayDetox – Could You Do It?

giving-up-technology_art

The Today show featured Jill Martin and her choice to give up her smart phone, iPad, computer, etc. for thirty days starting in August.  She feels as though she is not living live to its fullest anymore, and is relying too much on an object than a person.  She is asking that viewers give up something they have been looking to part with as well!

====> Click here for the link to her story. <=====

First of all, let’s discuss the idea of getting rid of all things WiFi.  Could you do it?  Doesn’t it seem ridiculous if you say aloud that you couldn’t?  The thought of giving up my cell phone for a month is downright scary to me, I will admit it, and I know that I am not alone.  Not only have I begun to embrace all that my iPhone is capable of, but it is like my keys – I bring it every where with me!  Having an semi-independent teen-aged son, I need to be in contact with him at all times, and available to him at all times in case he needs me.  I have finally begun moving away from appointment cards by adding them directly onto my calendar on my phone.  I stay in touch with family and friends using text; ever since we relocated, this has been the go-to method of staying in touch.  So, I guess I can answer definitively, no, I could not give up my iPhone for thirty days.

This did, however, make me think of things I could go without.

 

 

images

FACEBOOK

Oh yes, the holy grail of the internet and social media.  I do believe I could give this up for thirty days.  Honestly, how many quizzes can a girl take?  I already know that I am a “Balanced Bitch” who should have been in the ’80’s movie, The Shining (yes, The Shining), is a “solid liberal”, is represented by the tarot card “The Lovers”, and was a “bookworm” in high school.  (Thank goodness for those quizzes, right?!)  If I went back in my history of posts for the past few months, I am really saying nothing at all to “friends” and family on this social media website.  I post pictures of happenings, like most people, and I show off projects in my new home.  That is really about it.  And, at times, Facebook only makes me long for my hometown, taking away the joys of my new hometown.  If I calculate how much time I dedicate to Facebook, it would be way too much time.  So, yes, I do think I could give up Facebook for thirty days!

 

 

Processed with Moldiv

TELEVISION SHOW REPEATS

Ok, we all have to have that show we can watch over, and over, and over again.  I have a few shows that I can put on television, almost like background noise, because they have become part of my family.   They are: Law & Order – SVU, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family.  On any day of the week, these shows can be found on my family television, and on the one in my bedroom as I drift off to dreamland.  I am not entertaining new TV shows, not even a little.  I started DVR’ing a new comedy, but all the episodes remain in my queue and I have not watched any since the first two.  I also pay for a Netflix subscription, joining the gaggles of people who binge watch new seasons of TV shows (ahem, Orange is the New Black), and I have stopped in the middle of Season Two of OITNB, only to watch these re-runs!  What is with me?  I could also be reading the mounds of books I have purchased recently instead of watching shows I can recite from memory.  So, I think I could give up those shows for thirty days! <twitch, twitch=””>

 

As I sat here for ten minutes watching the blinking cursor, I cannot think of anything else I can give up!  Sure, I can go with something dietary; who else can stand to lose some bread and sweets from their lives?  But that is not something I am willing to touch in my life.  I do not drink anymore (though my wine cabinet is full), so that is out.  I have no vices really, so I cannot include what does not exist.  So, I wonder if I can choose between those two and give it up for thirty days?  I have decided that on August 1st, I will give up one of these things, but I am not sure which.  I will keep you filled in!

 

What could YOU give up for thirty days?  Would you like to join me in the #30DayDetox?  Share below!

6

New Poem! Silence.

Writing-writing-31277215-579-612

I decided to write a new one  this morning!  I am not sure if this is good, but it is something!  Yay!

______________

Silence

deafening

enveloping me in nothingness

internally I scream for peace.

Breathe In

Air refreshing my lungs.

Breathe out

Sadness floating away into the muted atmosphere.

I have recovered.

 

~ DH 7/14/14

Casting Off My Shackles

o-STRESS-QUOTES-facebook

Yes, that does seem extreme for a Wednesday morning, doesn’t it?  But there is a logical explanation for that title this morning.

I have been having a difficult time with almost everything lately, and I wasn’t sure why.  I seemed to be causing trouble for myself with people I love and care about, and I just could not shake that feeling of heaviness and sadness that would wash over me periodically.  I am a woman living with anxiety/depression, but I had it under control, didn’t I?

Well, the answer is no, I didn’t.  So many things have happened in my life over the past two years that the stress has finally reared its ugly head into my happy life.  Maybe it was there all along, but it is boiling over and making me notice.  In two years:

  • I relocated from NY to VA with my family, leaving behind every single thing I knew to be familiar and true.  Leaving behind family, friends and almost finishing my degree in secondary education.
  • Established my family in out new state, only to be called back to my hometown after a mere six weeks of moving due to the loss of my step-father.  This is the first major death in my family since the death of my grandfather twelve years prior.
  • I was accepted into a new college in VA, but forced to wait due to finances.
  • Established myself in a new job.
  • Purchased a home on the other side of town and reestablished my family there.
  • Saw my son transition from middle school to high school.
  • Still, after a year and a half, have not met anyone I could call “friend” here yet.  Family is far away and my supportive best friend is too.

 

images

So, when I look at that in black and white, how am I keeping my mind as together as it is?!  No wonder my psyche is giving me the middle finger!  It is as if it is screaming, “Take care of ME!!!”  So, that is exactly what I have begun doing.  I am casting off my shackles of guilt, sadness and self loathing and I am going to, sincerely, begin my journey back into the light; the place where I was consciously two years ago in my home town.  It is a journey that I know I have to take alone, despite my very supportive husband’s imploring to help.  It is a “me” thing.  I will get there.

Thinking about this journey, I have to ask the question: why are we so hard on ourselves?  Why can’t we just answer no to something we don’t want to do without guilt?  Why can’t we be happy with ourselves?  Why can’t we allow ourselves to cry when we need to?  Why do we force ourselves to stand stoically while out insides are screaming to be rested?  Women go through this doubly over men, but men go through it as well.  Women, especially once we start reaching milestone ages (like me, 40 is approaching!), start to question everything.  Our bodies start betraying us and we have to become acquainted with ourselves all over again, inside and out.  It is a chore!  But I am starting to gain the tools to move toward that light.

So, we should all cast off our shackles and start to move into personal acceptance and self-love again.  Today.  There is no greater gift we can give ourselves than giving ourselves a break!

I give YOU permission today to give yourself a break!  Will you take one?

 

2c369b78602099ef41f1812718685b8f